First off, let's just take a moment to acknowledge how hard it can be to put something like this into words. Talking about intimacy (or the lack of it) in a marriage is no small feat, so kudos to you for being open and vulnerable. It takes guts, and it shows that you care about your relationship enough to want answers.
Now, to your question—is it normal to stop having sex in marriage? Believe it or not, the answer is yes, it’s pretty common. Researchers estimate that about 15-20% of marriages are sexless, which in clinical terms means having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And while this might sound a bit alarming, what’s clear is that you’re far from alone.
Why Does It Happen?
There are so many reasons that couples stop being intimate, and it’s almost never about one partner “not trying hard enough” or being “unattractive.” Life throws a lot at us. Stress from work, raising kids, health issues, mental health struggles like anxiety or depression, and even hormonal changes can all impact libido. For example, post-partum recovery, menopause, or erectile dysfunction are all physical factors that can make sex feel more like an obligation than something fun and connecting. And then there’s the emotional stuff. Unresolved conflicts, resentment, or even just feeling disconnected can quietly build walls that make intimacy feel unreachable.
Sometimes it boils down to different needs or mismatched libidos. One partner might have a higher drive, while the other doesn’t feel the same level of urgency for physical connection. None of these scenarios mean the marriage is doomed—but they do mean there’s work to be done if both of you are willing.
Is Separation the Answer?
Before jumping to that possibility, ask yourself this: How do you feel about your marriage, aside from the sexual component? Is there love, companionship, respect, and care? Or does it feel like you’re living as distant roommates? This is important because intimacy isn’t just physical; it’s deeply tied to emotional connection, trust, and communication. Separation is a big decision, and it’s worth exploring all avenues before going that route.
Some couples find their way back to each other with effort, patience, and a commitment to rediscovery. Others realise they’ve grown apart to a point where being together isn’t serving either of them. Both outcomes are okay, but what matters is making sure you’ve done the groundwork to really understand where things are breaking down.
What Can You Do Now?
Here’s the good news: this situation isn’t hopeless. A lot of couples have moved past similar struggles and found ways to rekindle not just their sex life but their emotional connection, too. Here’s how you could start:
- Have an Honest Conversation
Communication is the engine that keeps intimacy running. Ask your wife how she feels about the state of your relationship, and share your feelings too. Keep it gentle—not accusatory. It’s about understanding each other, not assigning blame. - Address the Stressors
Are there external pressures stealing your energy from each other? Whether it’s overloading work schedules, parenting duties, or health challenges, acknowledgment is the first step. Team up to reduce those stressors where possible. - See a Therapist
Sometimes, emotions and history get tangled in ways you can’t untangle alone. A marriage counsellor or sex therapist can guide you both through tough conversations and offer constructive tools to rebuild intimacy. - Explore New Forms of Connection
Intimacy can take many forms beyond the bedroom. Shared activities, date nights, and even a renewed focus on physical touch, like cuddling or holding hands, can work wonders toward reigniting a spark over time. - Consider Physical Health
If low libido or sexual dissatisfaction is a factor, it might be worth looking into underlying health conditions. Hormone imbalances, sleep issues, or side effects from medications could be playing a role.
A Quick Reality Check
No marriage comes with a neatly packaged set of instructions, so the fact that you’re even here asking if there’s something better says a lot about your level of commitment. Whether you’re missing intimacy or wondering if separation is right, the decision doesn’t have to be rushed or one-sided. Sometimes, the most productive step forward is rebuilding the emotional and physical connection before deciding on the future.
Take a breath and remember this isn’t unfixable. Whether you and your wife ultimately decide to stay together or separate, what matters most is that both of you feel seen, heard, and respected. There’s no shame in asking for help, no shame in trying again, and certainly no shame in wanting to be truly happy. Wishing you clarity, strength, and, most of all, peace in whatever path you choose.
